If ‘Slender Man’ Does Not End Up Being the Worst Film of 2018 I Will Donate to Charity

“Slender Man” is based on the internet meme of the same name, in which a tall, skinny figure appears and haunts youth who summon him. It stars Joey King, Julia Goldani Telles, Jaz Sinclair and Annalise Basso, and is directed by Sylvain White.

This film is lazy, ugly, derivative, boring, monotonous, dull, dreadful and moronic. I’m sure there are more words to describe it but to list them here would be an insult to the English language. But let’s break down a few:

Lazy: everyone in this film steals other people’s laptops and somehow knows their passwords.

Ugly: every scene is set at night and has a hideous foggy gray filter.

Derivative: you’ve seen the story of a paranormal entity stalking high school kids a dozen times over but done in far more entertaining and creative ways.

And round and round we go.

The two positives I have for this film are:

1) there is one semi-creative transition where a girl screams in a dream and awakes in her bed in the same shot.

2) a character at the very beginning says, “pilgrims used to think sneezing was your body casting out evil spirits from your soul. That’s why I never sneeze; I have no soul and want to keep them in me so I can die.” I don’t know. I chuckled.

Just…trust me. I went into this with zero expectations and this film somehow subverted even those. It reminds me of 2016’s “Blair Witch,” and that ended up being my worst film of that year. In fact, I’ll make a promise and prediction: if “Slender Man” does not end up being the worst film of 2018 come December, I will write a check for $100 to a charity. That way, this film will be good for something in this cruel world. Because Lord knows it certainly isn’t good for entertaining.

Critic’s Grade: D–


One thought on “If ‘Slender Man’ Does Not End Up Being the Worst Film of 2018 I Will Donate to Charity

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s