‘Collide’ Isn’t Good, but it Sure is Something…

This is one of those movies that you have absolutely never heard of, and the moment it starts you realize why.

“Collide” stars Nicholas Hoult as a drug dealer who decides to take on one last job in order to pay his girlfriend (Felicity Jones) to have surgery. Ben Kingsley and Anthony Hopkins also cash paychecks, I mean, star. Eran Creevy directs.

I didn’t see a trailer for this thing, and I see almost every trailer. It’s a co-production between Germany and the US and was released in Europe and China in 2016, but its American release was delayed a half dozen times (never a good sign) before finally Open Road Films threw their hands up and said screw it and dropped it in the middle of February.

Nicholas Hoult is our leading man here and he’s trying his very hardest, God bless him. He runs around, cries and attempts to do an American accent (he and Jones are both supposed to be Americans in Germany but their British accents bleed through way too often). When “The Transporter Refueled” came out in September 2015, I thought Ed Skrein was Hoult, so clearly this struck a chord with Hoult, who decided he wanted to star in a car-crashing film of his own.

Hoult and Jones both try to act seriously, but the script is written by people who have clearly never heard humans talk. At one point the couple are outside in the snow and Hoult says they should “go inside and have a cuddle.” Not sure if that’s a British term or something aliens think humans say, but either way my friend and I (the only ones in the 10:35am showing of this) laughed out loud.

Another dialogue gem was Hopkins talking to a kidnapped Hoult, telling him how he talked in his sleep which is “an odd American trait.” Again, are there stereotypes about Americans I’m missing or something? At one point Hoult asks Jones why she’s in Germany and she replies “I don’t know what I’m doing” and my friend went, “in this movie, zing!”

Speaking of Hopkins, he and Ben Kingsley are having a ball hamming it up as drug lords. Hopkins isn’t quite sleepwalking, but he talks in his calm, whispering tone except when he explodes on one random word of a sentence. Plus he gets to wear fancy blue suits, so I’m sure he’ll enjoy the summer home in Venice this paycheck bought him. Kingsley does a weird accent from I don’t know where, and is pretty much playing a coked-up version of his Mandarin character from “Iron Man 3.” Both are objectively awful but subjectively fun performances.

The action here is alright. There isn’t a lot of the quick editing or close-ups that plague many PG-13 action films, so for that the film is to be commended. There are a few shots during car chases that actually caught my friend and I off guard, like a bad guy flipping and then crashing into a guardrail and exploding which was genuinely cool. That sequence sounds basic but if you ever see the film (which, lol, you won’t) you’ll know what I mean.

Look, you probably didn’t know “Collide” was a thing before reading this and you weren’t going to see it, and I doubt I pursuaded you to check it out now. It’s absolutely a bad movie, don’t get me wrong, but there is something oddly enjoyable about it. My friend and I were able to make fun of it throughout, and like I said Hopkins and Kingsley have done their time in Hollywood and wanted to overact in a role, so more power to them. It’s not so bad it’s good, but it’s so strange it almost doesn’t feel like a real thing.

Critics Rating: 3/10

Open Road Films


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