We need to regulate who is allowed to be labeled “a twisted mind” because a half-dozen films into his career I can promise you, Matthew Vaughn is not one of those people.

“Argylle” follows a spy novelist (Bryce Dallas Howard) who is suddenly thrust into a real-life game of cat-and-mouse when her books turn out to mirror real-life events. Sam Rockwell, Bryan Cranston, Catherine O’Hara, Henry Cavill, and Samuel L. Jackson also star, as Matthew Vaughn directs.

I’ve never been the biggest fan of Matthew Vaughn’s films; I think they’re fine but very high on their own supply. “Argylle” is in no way different in that regard, but instead of Vaughn’s trademark R-rated violence things are tamed down to PG-13 and not even bright colors and a stacked cast can save it from being anything more than in-the-moment entertainment.

I’ve been a Sam Rockwell fan for a great many years, so whenever he shows up in something I’ll at least be intrigued. I also think Henry Cavill has shown flashes of charisma outside his Superman role, namely in the simularly-themed “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.,” so “Argylle” seemed to have the groundwork to at least be fun. And the pair and Bryce Dallas Howard try their best, along with a half-dozen other Emmy winners and Oscar nominees, but the screenplay by Jason Fuchs does them no favors. Like many modern blockbusters it feels like it was written by AI, with genre cliches and unrealistic dialogue, and insane plot twists that stack up with little actual earned reactions.

The action is… fine, though much of the green screen-reliant sequences are not (chalk this up as another $200 million film that looks worse than a $40 million production from 2009). Like I said up top, the film is also hindered by its PG-13 rating, with many kills coming off-screen or point-blank gunshot wounds resulting in no blood (similar issues plagued last month’s “Night Swim,” though that was a far, far worse film). There are a few moments of fun stunt work but all too often things are shot fairly flat or are poorly edited.

The script has more curves than a signature on the Declaration of Independence, with only a few of them actually working. If you’ve seen an espionage movie before then you could probably guess most of the twists that happen here, though there were two that I’ll give the film credit for. The problem is Vaughn and Fuchs don’t trust their audience very much, so they rely on spoon-feeding information and showing constant flashbacks, in one instance to something that had just happened the previous scene. It adds to an already unruly 139-minute length, a runtime that overstays its welcome by a solid half-hour. Had the film been a tighter 100 minutes then I think there could be enough here to justify a light recommendation, it may have even been good, but by the time we get the recap in the climax of the events that transpired in the first act it hit me just how long ago those scenes truly felt to me.

“Argylle” has brief moments of entertainment and the cast seems to be having a good time, but I think Vaughn’s worst tendencies are at the forefront here and his blatant desire to launch a new franchise (and a PG-13 one, no less) bloat this beyond the point of redemption. For what it’s worth my mom really enjoyed it, so maybe it’s just the cynical critic in me that can’t totally turn off my brain anymore. But then again, you are talking to one of the few people who will defend “Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom,” so… The “Mission: Impossible” films always say “your mission, should you choose to accept it” and I’m fairly confident in saying this is one spy mission you can feel free to reject (at least until streaming).

Critics Rating: 5/10